Non Smoking Generation
by Enide Dear
Summary: Reno has an inventive way of quitting smoking
1. Chapter 1

Title: Non Smoking Generation  
Author: Enide Dear  
Warnings: will contain drably insanity  
Main character: Reno. Also slight Valenwind

Summary: Reno has an inventive way to quit smoking.

*****

Vincent blinked.

"Would you repeat that once more? Slowly."

Reno rolled his eyes.

"I just asked what size your feet are, yo."

"Yes, I got that much, but…why, again?"

"Because I'm trying to quit smoking!"

"Are you on drugs? Too much caffeine? Did Hojo inject you with something? Or are you telling me that made sense in your confused head?"

"Aw, c'mon." Reno battered his eyes at Vincent. "Just tell me, a'right? Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please, Vinny-vin-vin?"

"If you swear never to call me that again!" Vincent groaned. "Fine. I'm a size 10."

"Great!" Reno scribbled it down on a rather grimy piece of paper which was already almost filled with what seemed to be complicated mathematic structures. "And your demons?"

"What?!"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease……"

"Will it make you go away?" Vincent's red eyes got distant as he communed with the demons. When he came back he gave Reno an annoyed glance. "Well, you managed to get them curious. No one's ever asked them that before. Chaos feet are as big as mine, but add an extra inch and a half for the claws. Hellmasker is a size 9 and Death Gigas a 11. Galian doesn't have feet but paws. This big." He fisted his hand and was more than a little surprised when Reno got out a measuring tape and, tongue hanging out, made a quick measuring. He wrote down the numbers.

"Great, great…Thanks a lot, Valentine!" Reno smiled excitedly. "This ought to get me through two weeks, at least!"

"I have no idea what you are talking about, but if it makes you leave me alone…"

"Sure. Got mr Grumpy pants around here somewhere?"

"Cid? He's in the cockpit."

Still bewildered, Vincent watched Reno bounce away towards the Highwind's cockpit. A few seconds later he came running back, clutching his bloodied nose.

"What the fuck, Highwind?" He screamed, storming off the airplane.

"Chief?" Vincent asked curious as a very upset Cid came striding down the hall.

"Asking for a guy's foot size, what the Hell is that?!" Cid glowered after Reno's retreating back.

Vincent couldn't help himself. He glanced down Cid's legs.

"Stop looking at my feet, damn it!" Cid blushed.

"It's alright, chief." Vincent mumbled, "we all know that correlation is a myth anyway."

***

Two weeks later, Rude showed up at the 7:th Heaven, carrying a standard sized brown box whit ShinRa EPC printed on the side.

"Tseng is keeping Reno busy, so he asked me to deliver this to you." The dark Turk said as he handed the box over to Vincent, who took it gingerly.

"Is it a bomb?"

"You wouldn't believe me whatever I answer to that, so why bother?"

"True." Vincent opened the box and peered inside. His jaw dropped.

Inside the box lay five pairs of neatly knitted, extra fluffy thick socks. One pair was grey with bats on, one pink with extra reinforced toes, one blue with little lightings on the side and one green with a fetching pattern of chainsaws. And there was one purple pair that looked mostly like a pair of tubes.

"Reno did this?!" Vincent felt a migraine coming on as his demons went into a squeeing fit of delight.

"Oh yes." Rude adjusted his glasses. "He needs to keep his hands busy not to smoke. You should see him at meetings, stake outs, interrogations…knitting away. He's quite good by now. And it's…"

"Insane? Lunatic? Scary?"

Rude harrumphed.

"Adorable."

"Well this is…this is…"

"This is great!" Cid appeared from nowhere and peered into the box over Vincent's shoulder. "I don't need ta wake up by ya warming yer ice-cold feet on me no more!"

Vincent tried sulking but was overruled by the demon knitting-committee that had started yapping in his mind as well as Cid's beaming smile.

"Wanna stay for a cup of tea?" Cid asked Rude, but the Turk shook his head.

"Thank you, but no. Tseng wants me back as soon as possible – I'm on an important mission from the president himself."

"What mission?"

"Picking up more pink yarn."

******

Thanks to: Padawan- san Erfan Starled for helping me translate shoe sizes! And the gals in my Book Circle for the crash course in knitting structures. I still wannawannawanna Corporate Zombie plushie….


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Interrogations  
Author: Enide Dear  
Rating: NC – 17! Here be gore!  
Pairing: Turk centred

Summary: drabble. Might make no sense unless you've read Non Smoking Generation

Inspired by this pic: .com/art/Target-Silenced-64672493 by the amazingly talented Vergilsparda666 who makes delicously dark and cruel Turk art.

***

Rude had to admit, the client they'd taken in for interrogations, seemed to have balls of steel. It wasn't many people that would even try to keep on to their arrogance when they were taken deep into the windowless cells of the Turk division.

"Just tell him what he wants to know, yo," Reno yawned, leaning back on the chair next to the client, his nowadays ever-present knitting needles clicking together as he pulled the blue yarn through the hoops. "It's getting late, and I'm hungry."

"Look, guys," the man spat out a bit of blood; Rude's last punch had split his lip and most of his face was swollen and puffy. "You are taking this 'good cop, bad cop' cliché too far, you know. I mean, *knitting* for fucks' sake?!" He glared at Reno.

"Heh." Reno stood up and pulled out a foot long knitting needle, careful not to drop a stitch. Rude sat back, not moving. "You must be new to Midgard, yo. You see, we ain't the police."

With a short, sharp stab, quick as a snake, Reno drove the long, dull knitting needle straight through the man's mouth; in the left cheek and out the right. In the few shocked and horrified seconds before the client realised what had happened and started screaming, Reno smiled:

"And there ain't any good Turks."


End file.
